I’m miserable, bitter and losing hope every day. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. To sit on the sidelines for your entire adolescence and early 20 s is gut wrenching. I feel so worthless and undesirable. I feel so stunted. You see your most awkward, quirky peers get dates, be happy, have fulfilling sexuality lives. It’s deflating.
I’ve had a hard life, cancer diagnosis, deaths in the family, moving around a lot, depression. All this ridicule from peers and social exclusion takes a massive toll. I don’t enjoy things or look forward to anything. Lots of ego loathing and absence of confidence. My life events have really cut into attempts at ego improvement. Is it okay being a virgin at this age? I feel like it’s acceptable if my backstory is taken into account .. but how do I tell anyone? They’re going to assume I’m asexual or worse. I don’t feel like I’ll ever fall in love, or gratify a special female. It seems ridiculous was felt that I’ll click with some woman and she’ll heal the wounds accumulated during 10+ years. Hasn’t come close to happening, beginning to think I’m cursed.
I think my greatest lesson is this: ask women out, take chances, have engaging dialogues .. I’ve never genuinely asked anyone out on a date. Or developed a close mental connection with person. I’m my own worst foe, I ruminate, stew about lost possibilities, beat myself up. I don’t think I’m approachable, I’ve turned into a cold, cynical and caustic person. I don’t take chances, assume the worst. The cycle recurs. The odd thing is, I seem to leave a good impression on women when I’m in a good mood. I get hit on, flirted with. I have a lot of matches on dating apps. Still feel ugly all the time, even invisible.
How do I get over this sense of sadnes, wasting my youth, this anxiety over my inexperience? I feel so old. Losing hour due to cancer treatment was not good for my mental wellbeing. What sort of mental health/ counselling should I look into? CBT? I feel like if I let these patterns continue I will consider suicide. I can’t bear the believed to be being in my 30 s and in the same spot. That being said there are many positives, I’m building new friends, putting myself out there, gratifying new women. These are drastic and positive steps for me. I have to learn to keep my chin up, have self respect, and try for things I want. It’s really hard at times though. I only turned 26.. that’s not young anymore.
I would like some subsistence, someone to tell me that I shouldn’t give up. Reassurance. It’s pathetic, but hey, this is what it’s come to. My friends sure as hell have nothing constructive to add. I would love if someone came up with a plan of action. Only way out of sadnes and bitterness is to step up and try.
So far I’ve to work together to: 1) try and stop negative thoughts and rumination over past mistakes/ inexperience 2) talk to women everywhere, start dialogues even if I’m hesitant 3) make a better profile+ take better pics for dating apps, OKCupid, Tinder, Zoosk etc .. 4) get involved in an art/ writing class 5) start playing in an adult rec league to make new friends
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