I used to be petrified to talk to women.
Well, that’s not entirely true — I’ve always had many female friends, been labeled the “nice guy”, and have strong women in my life.
But as a former shy guy, conversation and dating abilities certainly didn’t come naturally to me.
I’d freeze up talking to cute girls, rapidly enter the friend zone with girls I really liked, sweat profusely before even talking to women, and would constantly beat myself up for not” getting it “. It was a struggle for me to even get a first date, and if I did, the dates typically wouldn’t run very well. The dialogues were mediocre and rarely did I get a second date.
I marveled at some of my guy friends who seemed to effortlessly approach women, go on lots of dates, or always seemed to be in a relationship.
The worst proportion was me trying to be like them and failing every time. Plus, it just didn’t feel right to me — this wasn’t who I was. As an introvert, I felt like I was constantly pretending to be someone I wasn’t. But, I truly believed that the only various kinds of guy girls wanted was the gregarious, charismatic type whom women flocked to.
I’d also ask for advice for what I was doing incorrect, and well-intentioned advice like” merely be yourself” made this worse. Deep down, I didn’t really like “the mens” I was around women!
Over the years, through a lot of trial and error, putting myself in uncomfortable situations, and candidly, doing a lot of inner work, I changed my styles. To he honest, I wish it didn’t take to so long and I learned some hard lessons along the way. Here are three of them that it took me years to internalize. I hope they help you rethink your dating life.
Myth# 1: You’re Either a Natural or You’re Not
I was talking with a guy lately about what his conflicts were with dating. He told me that he didn’t know what to say when he approached girls, and if he only knew the right thing to say, he would eventually find the one.
On the surface, this seems logical. You say the right thing, she is interested in you, the conversation flows and Voila !, you’ve got your first date. The thing is, what you say is a such a small part of the process. It’s like asking a chef,” What kind of olive oil do “youre using”? If I only knew the brand of olive oil used in this recipe, it would be delicious !”
In fact, let’s explore this farther 😛 TAGEND
There is so much more going on than “what to say.” Before you even say anything, someone is subconsciously scanning the way you appear, your body language, your vibe, if you’re relaxed, etc.
It doesn’t really matter what you say. Of course, I think you know there are sleazy things to say, which I don’t think you would say, and the PUA( pick-up artist) world would have you believe that there are certain things to say. But if you really want to be authentic and meet amazing females, it doesn’t matter what you say.
Now you may be asking yourself,” Wait, what? You’re telling me that it doesn’t matter what I tell !?” Let me explain.
It doesn’t literally matter what you say, like there isn’t a sorcery phrase or if “were talking about” x, rather than y. Much more important than what you say is how you are saying it. And how you feel about yourself and how “youre feeling” in the moment is even more important, especially since each person you talk to is going be completely different. Asking great questions, becoming curious about person, and having a couple of “go to” stories are genuinely all you need.
Even so, think about what REALLY is important to females. Are they concerned about what you are going to say? Not genuinely. When you first gratify females, they want to feel safe and relaxed around you. If you are able to attain them feel both of these things, it’s not going to matter so much what you say.
The more you can become concerned about what females actually want, the less you’ll be consumed about things like what to say.
If you really are looking for something to start, try looking for something casual in the environment to talk about. If you’re at the grocery store, a simple smile and” How are you ?” followed by a” The store seems actually chilly today. Is it always like this here ?” can go a long way.
The point here is that there is no magical phrase AND there is so much more work you can do before you even have to worry about tactics like what to say — working on approach anxiety, your vibe, practicing in low stakes situations, etc.
Dating is a skill that you can gradually get better and better at. Especially since the guys I talk to really don’t want to be the kind of guy who smooth talk women and approach some random woman at a bar. They want to build authentic, quality relationships and find a great female to be with.
Myth# 2: You Don’t Have Control Over Your Dating Life
Think about something you’ve set a lot of day and energy into. Let’s say it’s your career. Perhaps you worked hard to get into college, ran your route up in your field, and now you’re managing your department. Did this all just come naturally to you? Did you wake up every day and say ” it’ll happen when it happens “? No route! You set endeavour into get good grades, finding work, and excelling at your career.
Of course there were things out of your control, but my guess is that you took a much more proactive approach to your career.
Relationships CAN be more complicated, especially when you add another human to the mix, but when I ask guys if they set the same kind of attempt into dating like they did with career or fitness, they get uncomfortable and tell things like 😛 TAGEND I’m fine with being single anyway. I’ll simply focus on my career . Meh, it’ll happen when it happens . Women are crazy .
I get it though — it can be a sensitive, painful topic. I used to do the same things. It’s easier to blame women, or period, or you’re busy life, than to actually look at those deeply held notions about yourself. But I also know that if it is truly a priority for you, you are able to induce the time and find a long term relationship. It’s not something that merely magically happens, instead it is something, like your career and fitness, that can be improved.
You have the power to make this change — and good guy like you deserve to find someone.
If you’re ready to take a small step in this direction, try scheduling time in your day to practice conversational skills in low stakes dialogues. Try a when/ then action step. For example,
When I’m in line at Starbucks, then I will attain conversation with the person or persons in front of me . When I’m checking out at the grocery store, then I will chat with the checkout clerk . When I am at a party, then I will introduce myself to at least one new person .
These small stakes situations allow you to already feel comfortable and relaxed talking to people. The more you do them, the more automatic conversation will feel.
Myth# 3 You Need To Be a Certain Type of Guy
There is a part of all of us that wants to be perfect at everything. In dating, us guys think we need to be the perfect, charismatic, tall, muscular, Chris Hemsworth sexy man. Most of these qualities highlight what guys don’t have and what they want. I’m not going to lie, some of these qualities ARE attractive to some women. Some women don’t care as much.
Guess what? Amazing women are also highly attracted to humor, ambition, kindness, thoughtfulness, gentleness, and quick humour.
The problem is that most guys aren’t proud of the qualities they already have. They are ashamed to have them. We’re conditioned to feel this way.
Imagine if you were to highlight the parts of yourself that are already a strength. For example, let’s say you have a good sense of humor. If you resulted with this in your conversations, some women will find this VERY attractive.
Of course you can work on and be enhanced parts of yourself to be more attractive, but this idea that you have to be a certain person( that doesn’t feel right to you) to be the kind of guy that females will date, isn’t true.
And I would argue that the more you can take away, shedding your insecurities, feeling comfy in your own scalp, becoming more relaxed, and focusing on your strengths, is a more natural and authentic way to connect with women.
Good guys don’t have to” merely be themselves” and over analyze what they aren’t doing right. Just like with your fitness or career, there is a natural progression to dating and meeting a quality long term partner. The best part is that you don’t have to become someone that you aren’t.
So now I’m curious to hear from you.
Have you ever felt like talking to women is difficult? What did you do to work through it?
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